Mindset

What Silence Culture Teaches Men | On Dismantling Gender-Based Violence

A group of male friends sit and catch up on the different elements of their lives. Two are in serious relationships while the other three are caught up in diff...

fentse_writes 4 min read · 2 months ago

96 0

A group of male friends sit and catch up on the different elements of their lives. Two are in serious relationships while the other three are caught up in different situationships. flings, reconciliations with exes and just a general distaste for women.

As they speak amongst each other, one notes something quite concerning but it passes over their heads before they begin speaking about the usual - alcohol, baddies, money, and hosting.

No one actually heard what was concerning and the specific man hasn't made it a point to repeat himself. They all just think it's another random "crazy" girl, and so the conversation shifts, as it always does. What they don't realise is that they've in fact labelled every single girl as "crazy". Anything that doesn't work in their favour or anyone who doesn't bend to the rules established by this clique is automatically disregarded.

One day it's about a girl being mad that you'd rather meet her at your place than out for lunch. The next day, it's about sex with your ex being bad and how her body has changed. The other day, it's about a girl you deemed unattractive sitting with with you find attractive. The list continues. You keep degrading women. The requirements are that:

Your ex needs to work on herself.
Girls must stop expecting men to be ATMS when they can't "give it up".
If you're ugly, you need to stay home because no one would be willing to pair up with you in a group full of pretty women.
If you're a woman who is progressive or shares her opinions on social media, you're going to be a headache.
You need to understand that it's not "not all men" who commit violent crimes.
If you're not "marriage material", don't expect to be taken seriously.

The little clique has gotten so used to this practice of disregard and degrading that it starts integrating with their lingo. They've established a pattern, a way of being, and anyone or anything that comes in between it or even worse - attempts to expose it will simply be risking their sanity.

Before the silence

what-silence-culture-teaches-men-on-dismantling-gender-based-violence

For an abuser, every day is a normal day. This is because they, themselves, look like normal people. They'll have girlfriends that have potentially ticked all the above requirements and they'll sit or form part of groups that have other normal people.

Sexual assault suddenly becomes a simple altercation between partners and the conversations shifts once more because that is the pattern. They'll collectively touch strangers at groove and blame it on the alcohol, and this will be okay. They will accept it because the foundation of the group is heavily reliant on acceptance.

They can't speak against their homeboys. They can't call them out. They speak with them. They speak for them. That is the only way they're never disregarded.

Their ideals and rules begin manifesting in real life and as a result, they'll start noticing a form of backlash. Maybe one of them will say something and someone outside their clique will finally say the words. And then, they'll tell other people and soon they're all exposed. And so, they begin retracting.

We didn't mean this. We didn't mean that.

Serious & Respectful Matchmaking

Your Journey to Marriage Begins at NikahNoor

Connect with single Muslims who share your values, culture, and intentions for a lifelong partnership.

Find Your Match

No, my ex doesn't need to work on herself.
No, we don't think every women needs to sleep with us.
No, we don't make women feel less.
No, we don't think women shouldn't speak.
No, we care about GBV.
No, we take women seriously.

Because you don't mean these words, they'll hate themselves for even uttering them. Their distaste for women will grow even larger and when a woman they've harmed wants to speak, begins to speak, their sanity will be far to reach.

Breaking the silence

Silence builds walls for an abuser. It gives them access to language and power not attainable in a typical world. They have normal days because that is what those walls afford them. And they accept one another just as the silence has accepted them.

When someone speaks, when someone finally cracks the wall and finally says what has never been said, pieces of their world begin fracturing.

Begin Your Half Of Deen

Blessed Marriages Begin at 🌙 NikahNoor

Discover compatible, practicing Muslim matches locally & internationally with total photo control and family involvement.

Start Your Search

It forces them to evaluate the rules they've grown so fondly of, and even if they don't if they refuse and decide to stand firm on their beliefs, they'll receive more of the backlash.

They'll try to save themselves. They'll try to argue themselves out of the situation. The silence that taught them that the world was theirs to conquer will diminish and almost become nonexistent.

Silence culture teaches men that they are unbreakable after they've broken you.

It craves your fear and begins watering itself in your demise. I urge you to never diminish yourself. Never succumb yourself to the pressures of a patriarchal world.

Speak even when all odds are against you.

Speak even when they attempt to shut you out.