Why Does Your Brain Replay Embarrassing Memories at Bedtime?

Why Does Your Brain Bring Back Embarrassing Memories Exactly When You're Trying to Sleep?

You finally get to lie down. The TV is off. Your phone is far away. You close your eyes and think, "" and then suddenly,


You remember everything you said, who was there, how embarrassed you were. You think and think about it, even though you haven't thought about it in a long time. Did this happen to you too? Almost everyone has had this weird occurance where their brain decides to bring back embarassing memories right when they are trying to sleep. What's even weirder is that it doesn't seem to do it when your at school, work, or talking to someone. It seems to save the embarassing memories for when you are lying in bed.

Why does your brain do this?


Throughout the day your brain is processing all types of information. You're getting messages, talking to people, listening to your teachers, watching TV shows, being around other people, getting texts, and hundreds of other things. It's constantly getting information and paying attention to things. However, when you lie down and everything gets quiet and calm, all of the sudden it has some peace and quiet. Your brain no longer has to pay attention to all of the outside stimuli and can now focus on other things.

It doesn't really have to focus on the most embarassing memory that you've ever had. It's more likely that when you're not busy with something, you start to think about things that have happened to you in the past, and things that have happened recently can seem really distant.

Your brain seems to pick the most embarassing memories too though. Why is that?

Well, your brain notices and pays extra attention to things that have strong emotional backing to them.

When you were embarassed, it was probably because you said or did something really stupid, or because you thought someone was paying attention to you and they weren't really paying attention to you at all. Maybe you said something wrong, you waved at the wrong person, you answered a question completely wrong, etc. It could have been something as simple as saying the wrong word at the wrong time. That moment probably felt big at the time though and your brain saved it in it's memory bank. Your brain doesn't store every single little memory of yours with the same emotional power though, so an embarassing moment might stick out more after a couple years because of the strong emotional backing of it. That's probably why a seemingly non-important moment from 5 years ago could pop into your head at bedtime.

If an embarassing memory came into your head during the day, something would probably come up to interrupt it. You think about it for a few seconds and then someone says something to you. Your phone rings, your teacher asks a question, a video starts playing on your computer or phone, you have something else to do. There are a lot of things that could come up and stop you from thinking about the embarassing memory. When you are at night, none of those things might come up, making one little memory grow into a long train of thought.

You could think about what happened, what you should've said, what the people around you thought about it, and then another embarassing memory comes up. All of the sudden you're watching a 5 minute movie in your head called "Things I Should've Forgotten".

Your brain likes questions with no answers

Another thing that could be happening is that your brain likes to dwell on the things that it can't really answer. You could think to yourself,

"Why did I do that?"

"What did they think about it?"

"Why did that happen?"

Even though there are no answers for those questions, your brain still keeps thinking about them.


That's a good question. Think back to yesterday, and think about how many boring, average things you did. Maybe you ate, maybe you went places, maybe you opened up a couple apps on your phone, and you probably talked to people. If you were asked about what you did yesterday, how many vivid memories of those things could you describe in detail? Not many. Now think back to all the embarassing things you've ever done. Suddenly you can describe that one moment at that one place years ago in vivid detail. That's partially because memories aren't stored based on how important something objectively was, but how important it subjectively was to you. A moment where you did or said something embarassing could have a bigger emotional weight to it than other things that happened to you at the same time, so your brain stored it better and you could recall it better later on.

The weirdest thing is that no one else probably even remembers it either

That's right. All those terrible things you did or said and the big embarassing moments you've been dreading reliving in your head for years are almost certainly not in anyone else's memory. It's way easier to forget things that have happened to you, especially things that were embarassing that you didn't want people to know about. You also tend to focus more on what you're doing than what other people are doing, so while you're thinking in your head "Why did I do that?", the people you're thinking about were probably more focused on themselves. Your brain is essentially blowing up the importance of something that was likely already pretty blown up in your head.

So What Can You Do About It?

If you try to suppress the thought to make it go away, you might end up thinking about it even more. You could just notice that that thought has come up and tell yourself that it's that old embarassing memory and let it leave your head as you go back to sleep

You don't have to prove to yourself that it wasn't a big deal, you don't have to think about what you should've said or done, and you certainly don't have to make up 10 different responses and reactions to what happened and what people might have thought about it in the moment

It's an old memory. Your brain brought it up. You can let it go.

The next time it happens...

You don't need to freak out and think "Why is my brain doing this?!" because there's a pretty simple reason for it. When it gets quieter and calmer, your brain doesn't have as much to focus on and can focus on the things that have been in your memory. Embarassing memories can seem louder to your brain, because of their emotional weight, and your brain can start wandering. Unfortunately, your brain seems to have bad timing with this type of thing. It could have been waiting for the entire day or waiting for 6 months to pop up at the exact moment your head hits the pillow. And just like that, sleeping is no longer the main focus of your life anymore.

Final Thought

Having an embarassing memory pop up at bedtime isn't the end of the world. Sometimes your brain just doesn't have much to focus on, and it can wander to old memories.

It might even be best to just acknowledge that memory and realize that you survived that moment and now can move on to sleeping.