Why you freeze during arguments even when you know what to say,

Are you someone that always knows exactly what they want to say but during an argument feel as though the words have gone? Perhaps they said something really hurtful, you felt dismissed or unjustly blamed and that you had something to say back but then couldn’t.

Afterwards you may think about what was said and wonder all the things you could have said. You may also feel quite frustrated or disappointed that you didn’t stand up for yourself and say how you felt.

This happens to a lot more people than you would think. Being frozen in an argument doesn’t make you a weak or unintelligent person. This can actually just be an unconscious reaction to stress.

Learning why you’re frozen can help us all gain confidence so we can learn skills to deal with difficult conversations.

1. Your nervous system can take control

During an heated conversation your body may see this as a threat. Even if you’re not physically in danger, hearing harsh tones, being criticised and having aggressive body language towards you can be stressful.

Heard by many, fight or flight. However there is also the freeze option.

You may find you have trouble putting your thoughts together and getting your words out. Your body also may feel tense and leave your brain blank. You may even find reply comes harder than usual.

This can often be an unconscious reaction as your nervous system is acting.

2. You don’t want to make it worse

Sometimes we don’t speak because we don’t want to say the wrong thing and cause a bigger argument.

These thoughts could be,

“I don’t want to make him even more angry.”

“I don’t want to cry.”

“I don’t want this to turn into a big fight.”

“He won’t understand what I’m trying to say.”

Trying to avoid causing any conflict all the time can make it difficult to share how you’re feeling.

You may start to take the easier route of not speaking. Whilst this can reduce tension it can cause you to feel frustrated as they’re constantly brushing over how you’re feeling.

Good communication should mean that you’re both able to share how you feel without you being scared of how they’ll react.

3. Past experiences

How you react during an argument can be based on your past experiences.

If you’ve had arguments in the past where someone has shouted, punished or criticised you and made you feel emotionally distant, you may have learnt that speaking up causes problems.

Also if in their past relationships your feelings have been dismissed they may be wary of how they come across.

Whilst your situation may be nothing like they may still have feelings that can impact how you’re reacting.

It’s important to understand this so you can see that your reactions may be learnt and aren’t part of your personality.

4. Becoming overwhelmed with emotions

Arguments can often bring more than one emotion out. For example you may feel hurt, angry, disappointed, confused and anxious all at the same time.

Too many emotions coming at the same time can become confusing over what to say.

You understand something isn’t right but having trouble to explain exactly why.

It’s okay to take a breath. Tell yourself,

“I know how I want to explain but I need a couple of minutes to organised my thoughts.”

This quick moment can help you to communicate better.

5. Excessive pressure on being perfect

Some people freeze because they place too much pressure on themselves to get the words right.

They want to explain everything, not hurt the other person, stand up for themselves but also make sure they don’t get misunderstood.

Pressure can make things feel difficult to do.

You don’t need to come up with a perfect response!. You’re allowed to take your time to explain. Ask questions or take a while to explain how you’re feeling.

Simple responses can be amazing,

“That comment really hurt me.”

“I don’t agree with what you’re saying.”

“Can I please finish what I saying?”

“Please can you listen to what I’m saying?”

You don’t need to explain everything to validate how you’re feeling.

6. Used to worrying about how others are feeling

If you often put others feelings first you may find it uncomfortable to voice your thoughts during difficult situations.

You may be afraid to show your disappointment as it might make them feel guilty or upset. As a result you don’t voice your thoughts even though they’ve gone against your boundaries.

However constantly doing this can make it hard to identify and communicate your wants and needs.

Remind yourself that your feelings matter! Trying to disagree respectfully doesn’t make you self centred, rude or difficult.

You can look after how they’re feeling but also look after how you’re feeling.

7. How to stop becoming frozen

Whilst becoming frozen can happen automatically there are ways we can work on to become more confident in how we communicate.

Have a few simple phrases ready. Think of a few sentences you can use during difficult conversations. This can reduce the pressure you feel when you’re trying to respond.

Take some slow deep breaths. This can help your body relax and take some time to think.

Ask to take a short break. If you feel overwhelmed explain you need a couple of minutes.

Talk about small things. When things are calm try to talk about little things that are on your mind. This can help ease you into being more confident with how you’re communicating.

Set boundaries. You have the right to ask for respectful communication. You don’t need to continue a conversation that involves swearing, intimidating someone or aggressive actions.

Professional help. If you’re often becoming frozen or it is linked to some painful past experiences you can receive help from a qualified therapist. They can help you understand why you’re reacting that way and provide useful strategies.

Conclusion

Knowing that you’re becoming frozen during arguments doesn’t mean you are a weak person. It could be due to your body reacting to stress, not wanting to escalate conflict, becoming to overwhelmed with emotions or past experiences.

Overall the goal here is to feel confident to voice your feelings and do what’s best for your boundaries. Start small. Try to voice your thoughts during calm situations. Keep sentences simple and remind yourself that your voice matters.

You don’t need to win the argument or reply straight away to be respected. Sometimes just having the courage to say one honest sentence means you’re doing great!